I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
