My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
