I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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