The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
