I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
