i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
