she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
