Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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