i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
