Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
