Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
