so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
