I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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