So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
