1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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