I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
