my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he shaved USA in his pubs
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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