Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
