my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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