I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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