Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
