I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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