you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
