So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
