he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
