You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
