i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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