i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
