I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
