Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
