Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize