At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
