Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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