some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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