these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
