He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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