She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
