I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
