I have demons in me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
