You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
