Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
