I looked at my own cervix.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
