My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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