There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
