Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
