You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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