i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize