is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
