i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize