I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You work out of a Hotel?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dicks are not precious.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
