Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
