I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
