the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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