went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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