I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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