i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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