I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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