Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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