He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
