My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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